Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Men are Different from Women: Tips and Tricks

   I'm a guy, so this will be from a man's point of view. If you are a young man and are "In Love", please read this and consider that I've been a guy all my life* and I've been married for almost 35 years.

*(These days it really IS a choice. Ask Chaz Bono - the son Cher never had.)

   First off, in the most basic respect, females are different than men. I'm not talking about the wonderful physical differences. I'm talking about the most important difference. I'm talking about what goes on inside our brains. Our thought processes.

   You'd think that we would think alike. Our brains are almost identical but we use them in vastly different ways.

   When I was a young man, I'd do those things that I thought would appeal to girls in order to make them like me - to make me attractive to them. Futile. Trying to get a female to do anything that you want them to do is impossible. It's like trying to herd cats or put toothpaste back into the tube. Impossible! Well not impossible, per se, but very highly unlikely.

   Breakthrough! After many years I discovered the truth about how a female thinks. You see, females are trained from birth to think a certain way by their mothers and their mothers before them. It's their heritage. Females never stop thinking.

   Let me repeat that: Females Never Stop Thinking. It's what makes them crazy and insecure. There is no rhyme or reason to the way they analyze any given subject.

   Example: If, while on your way home from work you see a flower vendor at a stop sign and you think that you want to surprise her and bring home a flower, so you buy one and give it to her first thing in the door. Nice, right? You did good, right? Son, you have a lot to learn.

   Here's what she thinks: Oh! He brought me a flower. That's nice. I love this guy, but why didn't he buy me a dozen of them he probably doesn't love me enough maybe he's feeling guilty about doing something he shouldn't have done maybe he had an affair at work or with one of my friends which one of my friends is he sleeping with boy I hope it isn't Sue she and I have been friends for years and she always laughs a little too much when he tells a joke yes it has to be her that lying cheating b**** just wait until I see her she's going to get it right in the face and after that he and I are going to have it out.... and on and on. Not good!   

      Do yourself a favor and buy her flowers only on special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries and Mother's Day. Any other time is suspect unless there is something special to celebrate.

   Females are motivated by their emotions. Romance is the most effective way to get to a female. From an early age girls are given dolls. Barbie and Ken are romantically involved. Girls love bride dolls. Girls want to grow up to be Cinderella. They want a fairytale romance. They will be disappointed. No guy wants to spend their time riding ponies and combing their girl's hair all day long.

   Men, on the other hand are motivated by visual input. We're pragmatic problem solvers. We're given trucks and shovels to play with. Tell us something that's wrong and we'll work to fix it. Ask us for advice and we'll give you a solution. Guys like to look at pretty females in tight fitting clothes or string bikinis. This is why porn is such a big business. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just the way it is.

   The interaction between males and females is often fraught with danger. When a woman asks a man, "What are you thinking?" and the man replies, "Nothing", believe him.

   Women simply don't understand that men have the capacity to actually turn of their thought process and go into neutral bliss. We can quite simply think of nothing whereas a female cannot turn it off. A female cannot for a second stop thinking of something. Even during her sleep, a female is thinking and dreaming. Dangerous for men!
  
   You have to be careful when talking to a female. Think befor you speak. No matter what you say, she will take it the wrong way. She'll take it in a way that was never intended. They will often do this intentionally just to see how quick you can think on the fly. Trust me, you'll never be up to her level of verbal combat. You just won't! Never think you will win!
  
   If you are ever in an argument with a female and you think you have won because the female says "Fine". Run! Not only have you not won, you are in for the worst time in your life. You just lost! You will pay the price for your impertinence! How dare you think you could best a female at verbal combat!

   Beware if a female asks questions like: "Do I look fat in this?" or "If I were to die, would you remarry?" or "Do you really like my cooking?". There is no right answer to these questions. The best thing to do is roll over and play dead - or - answer her question with a question of your own in order to deflect hers. I warn you that this won't work forever. When she asks these questions, what she is really asking is, "Do You Love Me?" You will spend days, weeks, months and years proving you're love to her. Good luck!

   The best thing you can hope for, if you are married, is to reach a kind of equilibrium. That point in your relationship where you completely trust one another and you know everything about each other from backgrounds, families and even each other's aches and pains. This takes time. As I said, my wife and I have been married almost 35 years. We are almost there. Ten to twelve more years and we should be at that point.

   We have our roles defined. We share the cooking, cleaning and housework. If one of us is unable to do something due to illness or injury, the other fills in and takes up the slack. Whenever we travel I am the driver and she is the relief driver. I am the pack mule when we load or unload the car.

   She knows that I love her and I know that she loves me, yet we tell each other every day, just to reaffirm.

   Take it from The Geezer: When you find a female that you truly love, marry her then spend the rest of your life getting to know her. It takes work and dedication, but in the end - it's worth every minute!

1 comment:

  1. I've written about marriage on my blog as well (Le Petite Crone Musings) - My theory is that it all goes back to what men and women were genetically "hard wired" to do at the dawn of time. We really haven't changed much. Men and Women do think differently because our primary survival roles were different in "caveman" time. I agree with your observations but it's more genetic then a learned behavior.

    Le Petite Crone

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