Thursday, May 31, 2012

Funny Stuff I've Seen and Heard

   A week or so ago I was watching a cooking show on TV with my wife.

(The last three words of the above sentence explains why I was watching a cooking show in the first place.)

   In the program, the host was explaining how to make Dill Bread. Dill bread is great for making sandwiches. The dill adds the slight taste of pickles without the tang.

   In any case the host had added all the ingredients in a large bowl and had mixed them together then dumped them onto the counter to knead the bread to better mix the ingredients.

   She stated: "You really have to knead your dill dough as much as possible in order to make your dill dough nice and stiff." and, "Your dill dough needs to be as stiff as possible in order for it to rise correctly."

   During her first remark I could hear the camera and stage crew giggling and snickering in the background. When she made the second remark the crew was laughing and screaming outright.

   The woman's face had a priceless look and it was obvious that she had no idea what was causing the crew to crack up.

(If you don't understand, read her statements out loud instead of to yourself)

   I wish I could remember the name of the program but it was a COOKING SHOW and I wasn't really that interested until it turned smutty.

   Another time I was scanning through Dish Network's on-screen directory looking for something interesting. I saw a listing for America's Funniest Home Videos but it was abbreviated to fit into the space provided and it was listed as: "America's Funniest Ho". I didn't even know they had that sort of competition.

   Many times I see stuff that just leaves me dumbfounded. I have to wonder who if anyone checks the programs and news shows for content.

   I was watching a Fox News broadcast from Salt Lake City, UT. The talking head was finishing up a "News" story and as they cut away for a commercial break you could hear the newsman saying to his buddies, "I sure get tired of reading these crap stories." Yeah? we get tired of listening to them, too.

   The Geezer obviously doesn't have much to talk about this time but I HAD to tell you the Dill Dough story. Just too good to let pass... Have fun and stay safe!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I'm a Bad, Bad Boy

   I've always been a "Joker".

   I find things humorous that some folks do not.

   It is not beneath me to become involved in a "Practical Joke" from time to time for my own amusement and the amusement of others.

   Today I took my wife out to dinner at out local Chinese Restaurant. We had a nice dinner but noticed that we were the only local residents in the place. A group of out-of-towners came in about 20 minutes before we left (our town is small enough that we can tell). One of their party had mentioned that there didn't seem to be any other locals there beside I and my wife.

   As we were walking out I tapped one of the gentlemen on the shoulder and told them, "More locals used to come here and eat before the incident with the cats last year".

   They all stopped talking and quietly watched us as we left, hoping that I had been joking. I didn't even crack a smile. The true mark of the practical joker. You have to be able to deliver the line!

   Several years ago I was involved in a practical joke that some say may have crossed the line... just a wee bit.

   I was working in a job where we employees worked very close together. There were a lot of us. Some were liked and some were not. Just like any workplace you'd find anywhere in the world.

   There was a man named Richard who was, as far as I was able to tell, unliked by most everyone on the job. Richard was about 6' 8" tall and weighed in at almost 400 pounds.

   To say that his personal hygiene was less than stellar would be like saying that Hitler was merely antisocial.

   Richard had body odor that would make a buzzard puke. It was so strong that your eyes would water and your stomach would begin to churn. Perspiration would form on your forehead and upper lip and you would become dizzy. The air was sucked from your lungs. When Richard smiled, you could see the remains of his past 3 or 4 meals in his teeth.

   Don't think that we didn't try to change his ways - we did! The more we complained bluntly to his face (or as close to his face as we could stand to get) he'd just laugh as if we were joking with him and say, "You guys crack me up".

   If he were in the military we would have thrown him a "Blanket Party" to convince him to change his ways.

   In the event you don't know what a blanket party is, here's the deal:

   During the night or early morning hours, the men in the barracks would stealthily approach the intended victim, throw a blanket over him and beat him (or her) to a pulp while explaining between blows that this treatment could be avoided had he (or she) improved his (or her) personal hygiene. It always worked. It was an effective way to change the attitude of a person without having them identify their peers (hence the blanket over the head).

   Amazingly Richard was married to a female who was nearly as bad as he in the hygiene department.

   Now that you know the why, here's the what -

   The Practical Joke:

   We were located in a small city where most people knew most other people in the community.  On the appointed day, a Thursday before a 3-day holiday weekend, the electric company business office was called. One of our group identified himself as Richard Smith (not his real name). He told the power company girl that he was unexpectedly having to move to another town over the weekend and would they please come and turn off the electricity then send the final bill to a fictitious address. Yes, they could and would do that for Richard... that very day.

   Following that call, another one was made to Richard's home explaining that it was the power company and that a transformer was being replaced in their area and that the electricity would be off for an hour or two.

   The power would be off - for good - and Richard was expecting the power to be off so he and his wife would not be alarmed until after it was too late to have it back on for the weekend - the looong holiday weekend.

   The following Monday dawned with Richard complaining to all who would listen to his tale of woe about how he had to spend the entire weekend with no power and how he had to argue with the power company for hours to have it turned back on on Monday morning.

   A few days later someone let slip that his weekend would have been more comfortable had he practiced better hygiene. It actually took him almost a week before he connected the dots.

   For a few months his personal habits improved but he gradually slipped back into his old ways. To everyone's relief, Richard took another job out of town. The power company required him to come to their office and personally sign a disconnect order and pay his remaining bill on the spot.

   Looking back, I can honestly say that I am thoroughly ashamed to have been a part of this prank, even though it gave us all a reprieve for a few weeks. I was in my late 20s at the time and I was still fairly full of myself and thought I was bulletproof.

   I'm not a bad person. Really! But I can sometimes take teasing and joking to an extreme, though. Ask my Sisters. As far as practical jokes go, I have to admit that this one was the most elaborate and creative that I have been involved in. I thought it up and I'm proud of the way it turned out.

   The Geezer has aged and I have tempered my impulsiveness and sense of humor to a certain extent. That comment about the cats though?  Pure genius!