Nov. 2008 - Dear Diary - Today was totally awesome! Found out that I had really been elected Pres. Mich. said I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever doing it but, well, here it is. George Soros paid a lot of money to seal my school records that show I was scamming the affirmative action laws to get in college as an exchange student. That and coming up with that Hawaiian Birth Certificate instead of my old one from Kenya - like they even keep records; that one was easy!
Oh crap. I have to write a speech. I'll get someone else to do
it. After all, I'm the boss now! Going to the basement and get high. More later!
Jan. 2009. Dear diary - took "The Oath" today.. (oath... what's that mean?). Stressed out to the max. What if they find out that I don't know jack about this job? Will they fire me? Maybe there's a video I can watch or something... Gotta set up a round or two of golf now that I don't have to pay for it outta my own pocket!
Mich. picked out a dress for the balls tonight! (I said 'Balls' hee hee hee!) Honestly, she looks like a trashy Chi-Town 'ho. Gotta talk to her about getting a new designer other than J.C.P.! The girls are excited too. My little princesses!
Dear diary - Been in the WH for a few months now. Called the networks a month or so ago and told 'em the new rules. They report what I say or they get the shaft. So far they're doing a great job. No flack from any of them. Limbaugh and Beck still chap my ass though and FOX is slow coming around, but nobody watches them anyway.
Been sending money to all my supporters. All I have to do is call the treasury and tell them to cut a check. This is going to be fun. I don't even have to balance a checkbook anymore. Not that I even know how!
Dear diary - The economy is starting to crash so I told treasury to send everyone some cash with their tax refunds to 'stimulate' the economy. If I make it sound 'Presidential' I can get away with anything. Hope I'm doing this right!
Biden is getting to be a pain. He thinks that he should have been Pres. but he just don't know what a fool he is. I'l keep him around as my 'token' VP.
Dear diary - Holden told me about Executive Orders! This is SWEET! I don't have to go through congress or nuthin'. Just write it all out, Presidential-like and it's a LAW! Man, I'm the KING! (Holder told me not to let anyone hear me say the 'K' word - so it's just between us, dear diary!)
I wonder if I can do an exec. order to keep Wookie (that's my pet name for Mich. - she's a big Star Wars fan - in case anyone asks!)from snoring so much. Wook! Wook!
Dear diary - S&P just called and said they were down grading the country's credit rating. That used to bother me before I became
Unemployment is way up, but hey! I gotta job... not to worry. I'll send all the poor people who voted for me a cell phone. They'll be happy!
Note to self: send the Chicago Black Panthers a big-ass check for stuffin' the ballot boxes. Good job, guys!
Dear diary - Got back from the middle east last month. Had to do a lot of ass-kissing with the Saudi's. The King made me give him a 'handie' under the table during dinner.
Made a stop in Israel. Those whiny folks are sooo needy. Everyone says that they're our biggest allies but I have my doubts. Sink or swim on your own. That's the Chicago way!
Gotta say that Air Force-1 is the coolest. Gonna fly on that baby every chance I get! I told the pilot that I wanted to fly it but he just stared at me like I was stoned. Well, maybe a little bit - hee hee hee! I'll have to see about getting him replaced. These military guys are all so 'in your face'. Don't they know that it's a different world? I'll have to sequester them.... Hmmm, sequester? I'll give this some thought...
Dear diary - Big shooting someplace in Colorado. Didn't pay much attention. Really ruined a Batman movie for some folks, I hear. Maybe I can turn this against the Republicans somehow... I'm sure I'll have to make another speech. Put it on the TelePromTer guys! Don't know what I'd do without it! I'm visitin' the boys in the kitchen tonight for sure!
This President thing is pretty cool as long as I don't actually have to DO anything (never did find that training video - "Being President for Dummies"). I really DON'T know how to DO anything. Hope nobody catches on! Need to play some golf. More golf.
CIA told me that they have a tip on O-Sama-Bin-Ladel or something like that. They want to go get him, but I don't know. Just live and let live, I say. I'll have to look him up. Maybe do some research on the web and find out who this dude really is. If he's a brother Muslim, I'll tell them to back off...
Dear diary - the CIA kept on about this Bin-Laden (did I spell that right?) guy. They've been pestering me for the last six months to let them go get him. I finally agreed (Allah forgive me!). They went in and did him. Watched the whole thing on TV in the Sit Room. I was so scared I think I peed a little in my tightie-whities!
Afterward I told the country that I killed this dude, all macho-like (I felt like a Black John Wayne! Just call me Duke!). (I still don't know who he is, but everyone is happy he's gone) This ought to buy me a few votes in the upcoming elections!
They want me to go and thank the SEALS. Seals? Where are they, in the zoo? Silly name.
Dear diary - Stevens and his guys got all shot to hell over in Benghazi. I told them to keep a low profile while shipping those guns out to Turkey! Getting shot and killed is a "Low Profile"? I'll fire them all!
Told Panetta and Hillary to take care of it. Going down to the kitchen for a 'smoke'. Don't bother me - I don't want to know. If I don't do ANYTHING, I cant do anything wrong, now can I?
Dear diary - Got Re-Elected. Man, I thought I was a goner. Had my bags packed and everything. Scoped out a place in Hawaii that wasn't too bad. Then they told me that I was still the Boss. Have to un-pack now. Maybe I'll go to the kitchen after dark and get high with the bus boys again.
It was a close thing, this election. Romney kept bringing up FACTS, as if anyone cares about that stuff. I'm thinking the O-Phones is what really brought out my votes - that and all the lies I told. Hee hee hee!
Dear diary - Another shooting in Connecticut. Poor little kiddies. Crazy kid shot 'em all. It's time to take away all the guns so that this crap never happens again! It's those Republicans and the NRA! Never let a good tragedy go to waste. I'll call Feinstein. She's always good for something like this!
Did the State of the Union speech (thank Allah for the TelePrompTer). I was so good I even got a tear in my own eye! Too bad there wasn't a speck of truth in it!
Dear diary - The Senate and House failed to pass ANY of my gun control legislation! Those idiots!
Speaking of idiots - Joe 'Two Blast' Biden is really giving me an aneurysm with his idiotic sound bites! When I run for my third term, I'm replacing him. Maybe Richard Simmons!
Dear diary - Justice told me that we've been putting the pressure on the Tea Party and them conservative groups through the IRS. It serves them right! They're against me so they can't be good for the country!
Damn! The press found out about the IRS thingie and the phone taps on the AP and FOX. Now I'm going to have to go out there and lie some more. I have to check in the mirror to see if my nose is growing any. Ha Ha Ha! I'll let that lying little weasel, Carney put them off for a while.
I think it's time for another vacation for Wookie and the girls. I'll send them away then call Bill Clinton. We can call in some girls and party in the oval! PARTY! PARTY!
Going down to the kitchen tonight. The boys and I are checking out some Argentina Especiale. We should be blasted for a while.
Note to self: I think it's time to throw Holder under the bus! He's starting to make me look bad. Good help is getting harder and harder to find!
Goodnight Dear diary....
That's all for now. As more pages come to light I'll get them to you. Don't tell anyone where you saw this. The walls have ears!
Please be advised that this is political humor and not the "Real" presidential diary. I'm quite sure the real one is much funnier!
As a GEEZER, I find this diary to be absolutely appalling. What "Nancy-Boy" keeps a diary these days any anyway?